Published Somedays

Bike jersey quotes

(updated: Nov 2, 2008)

A while ago I posted some quotes for some t-shirts I'd like to make, asking folks to vote for their top three. Here are a few from that list, some I came up with. I'm not the ad agency type, so I'm still searching for the perfect one. I also thought it would be even better to make jerseys with the quotes on the back, so that passing drivers could read them. Maybe I could make a separate detachable velcro piece that you could change out depending on your mood or whatever. That would be cool and I bet it would sell. Here are some of my ideas, with comments.

1. "Please don't run me over"
This tries to appeal for mercy from the raging motorist, inconvenienced for ten seconds by the presence of a cyclist on the road, having to risk their life and swerve into oncoming traffic to avoid you. Maybe they'll get a laugh from it (this assumes they can read) and spare your life. Or maybe they'll drag you and your bike under their SUV until all the sparks and bones clanging around the undercarriage stops.

2. "Share the road"
This is the one we're going with for the critical mass rides. Probably the first question that comes to the motorist's mind is, "Why? You don't pay taxes, and you're not sharing it with me because you're two feet from the curb when you should be riding on broken glass and nails two inches from it. And you cyclists are always breaking the law, while I've never broken the law. No motorist has, for that matter. Gosh darn it, we're just a bunch a law-abidin' citizens doncha know." So perhaps beneath this in smaller print we should put, "It's the law". I don't know, is it? Most people around here don't even think cyclists are allowed on the roads, or should be on the roads, and now you're telling them they have to share it with you?

3. "Bicycles are transportation."
Yes they are. And they also give people choices and help keeps costs down for everyone. But most people still see them as playthings. So, maybe I'll have a "buy three t-shirts get a free grenade" offer, so the the next time a mouth breather opens his window to scream something at you, you toss one of these babies in for them to "play with". They say that if you know you're going to die soon you should have some fun. They'll literally go out with a bang. Not that I'm recommending this, just trying a bust out-of-the-metal-cage idea, again literally.

4. "I'm faster than you, I just let you pass."
This is a moron test. If you get a motorist to floor it as they go by you (a lot of them do that anyway), they failed. Throw an ad magnet on their car as they go by that says, "I am a turd burgler".

5. "Cars suck."
I've seen a lot of these stickers on bikes, but wearing this on your back is bound to elicit vitriolic remarks from rednecks. Get ready for beer cans, cigarettes, old TVs, and occasionally gramma being thrown at you.

6. "I am superior. I am a cyclist."
While true, most drivers are probably not going to see it that way and door jam your ass into the ditch. My advice: wear body armor and a full-face helmet. Paint some angry bloodshot eyes on the back. Maybe stick some flashing red LEDs in the eyes. You may look out of place, but who's going to mess with you if you look like you just escaped from the Thunderdome?

7. "Selfish drivers can go to hell."
This shirt will cost you $230. $15 for the shirt, $200 for the shotgun and ammo that you'll need to carry to defend the onslaught of zombie motorists who will want to crush your skull with their wheels and spread your brains over the road like jelly before subsequently licking them off. Mmmmm....jelly....

8. "I am traffic."
This one is commonly used by Critical Mass riders. It's good because it might cause a neuron to fire in the narcissistic motorist's mind. However, that assumes they can read, or they will even see you seeing as they're preoccupied with yapping on the phone, fiddling with text messaging, listening to right-wing radio, eating, smoking, or just busy breathing. "What's that? Oh yeah, I'm just heading to my stylist. She's going to make my hair just like Sarah Palin's. Then I'm heading over to LensCrafters to" BAM!!!!! "What what that? Oh dear I think I just hit somebody. Well, didn't he just come out of nowhere."

9. "My bike does the 1/4 mile in 30 sec."
You're bound to get rednecks screaming past you in their hemi pickups with this one while saying to their cousin significant other, "That guy's just a idiot. Even my harley kin do better 'n at".

10. "Save the planet, ride a bike."
Aww, look at the concerned cyclist, doing his part to save the world. That just makes me feel all fuzzy wuzzy. Well, if he's doing that, then there's more for me. Drill, baby, drill.

11. "One day cyclists will rule what's left of the earth."
Probably the truth, but since most people think that "they will come up with something", whoever "they" and whatever "something" is - for all we know it could be a really pissed-off genetically mutated abominable snowman. "What? I thought you said 'abominable snowman', not 'artificial snow, man'. Great, 4 more trillion dollars fighting the climate crisis down the drain". People who can't comprehend those big scary numbers will think that's a looonnnggg way off anyway and therefore nothing to worry about. Just keep driving. Just keep driving. Just keep driving.

11. "Cyclists make lousy hood ornaments (from the blood, hair and guts and stuff)."
This one might trigger a subconscious response by some ape in a hummer just to "try you on the hood for size". Attempt to aim yourself for the driver side of the windshield, because there's nothing like getting body slammed by a bloody carcass to spoil a person's day.
Or maybe they laugh so hard they wet themselves which causes them to swerve and run you over anyway.

12. "The last driver that messed with me now drinks his meals through a straw".
Unless it's on your car or carry a loaded weapon, you're roadkill.

13. "Target", or a bullseye graphic.
Now we're talking.


I'm just a hoot these days, like a wet weekend in Pittsburgh. Or maybe I've just had too much to drink. Time to go ride. Anyway, let me know your thoughts and ideas.

-SBA



Filed Under: Humor > North Carolina > Wilmington



18 COMMENTS:

1. Sir Disappears a Lot said...

SBA- My first vote would be for an actual Knights of Sir-Bikes-a-lot Jersey. For the ones listed, I vote for "Share the road".

Nov 3, 2008 @ 3:33 AM


2. Randy said...

I like the removable velcro patch idea.

My friend Frank has a cool jersey that says "I support" in tiny letters, and "Sheriffs Department" in huge letters. He says people practically run off the road to avoid crowding him, and he has had motorists turn around and apologize after the cut him off and see his jersey.

Nov 3, 2008 @ 6:40 AM


3. peter said...

here's some....."one less motor"
"put the fun between your legs"
( a skull with cars pouring out of the eye sockets...caption reading..."fatal congestion"
"nuke a godless communist gay mountain biker for christ"
and lastly by ghandi
" first they ignore you..
then they laugh at you...
then they fight you...
then you win"

Nov 3, 2008 @ 3:35 PM


4. muleyo (peter's alter ego) said...

and one my wife likes
"my other bike is a broomstick"

Nov 3, 2008 @ 3:42 PM


5. HammerIt said...

How about an American Flag and "God Bless America" underneath.

Nov 3, 2008 @ 6:48 PM


6. Mike said...

I want the one that has the Sherriff's Department written on the back. I don't care what it says as long as it makes people give me more space.

Nov 4, 2008 @ 10:18 AM


7. paul from Raleigh said...

How about "You don't have to like me, but please don't kill me."

Nov 4, 2008 @ 2:00 PM


8. snax said...

What about a confederate flag jersey with a shotgun underneath the flag aimed at passing traffic? Maybe then they'll cheer cyclists on and give a wide berth. By the way, I have an SUV and I am hardly a hazardous driving, gun toting, tobacco smacking redneck. Stop your prejudiced profiling already; you should know better!

Nov 4, 2008 @ 6:25 PM


9. Brado1 said...

No Matter Where You Go, There You Are - Ride On!

Nov 4, 2008 @ 7:17 PM


10. Steelman said...

I also vote for the Sherrif's dept. idea. Twice like we do it in NC!

Nov 5, 2008 @ 11:20 AM


11. nachothegreat said...

screw drivers. every time when i ride to blue clay from where i live there are idiots that will ride by me by just inches . but yeah i would get a shirt

Nov 5, 2008 @ 2:03 PM


12. Reno said...

I'd like a collage of words with different fonts and placed at different angles on a bright neon yellow tee. Words such as "manslaughter", "civil lawsuit", "incarceration" and more juxtaposed in a threatening manner.

But that's probably too subtle.

Nov 6, 2008 @ 8:23 AM


13. SBA said...

Maybe something that says "If you run me over I will haunt you forever."

Nov 6, 2008 @ 3:19 PM


14. Larry said...

"If you hit me, I will die. Then you will get a ticket. Any questions?"

Nov 11, 2008 @ 6:45 AM


15. Jay said...

Is this for jerseys or for Tshirts?

Nov 12, 2008 @ 1:36 PM


16. nachothegreat said...

how much will they be

Nov 13, 2008 @ 1:50 PM


17. Bryan said...

“Cycling: keeping gas prices down since… before cars were invented.“
Okay, not very pithy.

“Share the road or my next of kin will share your ass.”
Nah, maybe not.

“Clip this bike to receive your free orchiectomy!”
Then watch as they run me down while fumbling with their crackberry to look the word up.

Nov 14, 2008 @ 5:45 AM


18. Jamie said...

How about

"You may get there faster...But I get there CHEAPER" or

"SUPPORT OUR TROOPS....RIDE A BIKE"

Nov 15, 2008 @ 4:21 PM


 

Comments are closed.




Back To Top